Book Club

What are you reading, who’s it by and what’s it about? 

The Memory of Love by Aminatta Forna. Its title might lend itself to a lame chick-lit, however it’s actually about love and loss in post-war Sierra Leone. So there.

What do you think about people who walk along and read books? It’s not possible, is it? If it is, it can’t be nice. Do you think it’s to show off?

Being clumsy in nature I’ve never attempted the whole walking and reading lark. Also, anyone who does do it looks like a twat.

Is this a Book Club question? (No points for responding with ‘is this a Book Club answer?’)

Perhaps.

People watch TV while they eat; they listen to music while they work; they drink gin while they text; they smoke while they pray. Do you think that reading remains an exclusively singular pastime? What is the traditional accompanying activity to reading, do you think?

Bathing is a classic. Although personally I’ve never seen the appeal. A soggy book does not make for an enjoyable read.

What are you reading, who’s it by and what’s it about?                    

I’m reading Scoop by Evelyn Waugh. It starts as a case of mistaken identity. A thick toff accidentally becomes a war reporter and gets sent to cover a civil war in an imaginary African country called Ishmaelia. This guy discovers that all the other war reporters are pretty hopeless too. They mostly drink and lose things on trains. None of them know what the war is about or who is fighting in it. 

You know how sometimes a description of a character reminds you of a friend or something and from that point on it’s impossible to imagine that character as anyone else? Yeah? Has that happened in this book? I remember once I read this stupid book called Feed, and for the entirety of the novel the central character was the main guy from Hustle. Didn’t make it any better, let me tell you.

I can’t say that has happened here.

Have you had a paper cut while reading this?

I got so many paper cuts while reading this book that I don’t know if I’ll be able to pick another book up ever again, such was the trauma. I mean I could just wear gloves to turn the pages, but where’s the fun in that? I want to live life on the edge.


What could the title be an anagram for?

Coops, or Copos. Not much anagram potential to be honest.

What are you reading, who’s it by and what’s it about?

‘The Sun Also Rises’ by Ernest Hemingway.

If you left this book on the bus, how much would you care?

Quite a lot. It’s pretty good, you know. It’s got everything I look for in a novel: drunkenness, Spanish bullfighting & a girl called Brett.

What is the ratio between feeling like you should read this book and actually wanting to?

Before I’d opened it - 10:90. In the first few chapters - 65:35. While our protagonist was on a train, sobre - 72:28. But right now… Well, all the characters are either out of their minds, fighting, having sex or being killed by bulls, and I’ve got dissertation stuff that I should be doing, so I’ll say – 0:100.

Are you one of those douches who, when handing someone your book, tells that person ‘not to bend the spine’? Someone did that to me once, with a copy of the Iliad. Like I’d ever bend the spine of the Iliad. It made me think she was a twat.

No. I hope the Literature Editor isn’t, though. I borrowed this book off him at the start of term, and know for a fact he’s forgotten I have it – but wants it back – because he mused about its whereabouts in my presence. I hadn’t even started it then, though, so there was no way I was going to admit to having it. A little later I felt kinda bad, so I asked myself “What would Hemingway do in this situation?”

Turns out he’d go to Revolver.

What are you reading, who’s it by and what’s it about?

I’m reading Please Kill Me, a self-proclaimed “uncensored oral history of punk” compiled by Legs McNeil and Gillian McCain. It’s basically a 500 page definition of hedonism.

Is it un-putdownable or un-pickupable?

Pickupandputdownable

Who does the author share his name with? Anyone funny?

No humorous namesakes spring to mind but Legs himself is quite a character - his other works include an uncensored oral history of the porn industry and a Joey Ramone memoir entitled ‘I slept with Joey Ramone’.

 How did you happen upon this book? Sighted across a crowded room? Recommended in a letter? Discussed on a street corner?

I’d love to say it was given to be by a beautiful heathen on a New York subway train but, alas, I found it on the internet just like every other chump.

What are you reading, who’s it by and what’s it about?

The Magic Mountain by Thomas Mann, about an orphaned boy who goes off to the Swiss Alps to spend some time in an asylum with his ‘sick’ cousin.

Do you feel you’re enough of the way through to speak authoritatively on it? How do you suppose to answer my following questions?

I’m reading it because I read about it in another novel. It’s probably the most interesting thing I can say about it as I’m hardly through it. I think I’m going to answer your questions with enthusiasm and gusto.

Are you writing an essay or something about it? Don’t you hate it when people ask ‘are you reading it for work or for fun?’? Because, if you were reading it for work then that somehow means it doesn’t count. You didn’t make the decision to read it yourself and you’re reading it for means other than personal enjoyment, therefore you didn’t really read it. Some books this is especially unfair on. NOBODY read Of Mice and Men of their own accord; it was shoved under all our noses when we’d barely even learnt to read. Doesn’t mean we didn’t like it! What was the question again?

I’m not doing an essay on it. I hate it when people list what they’re reading when it’s not even proper reading. Really sad. Apart from the books I’m reading for work are getting in the way of reading this. I didn’t mind Of Mice and Men.

Describe the writing style using clichés and sound bites.

“Banter. Viaticum. Interrupted mirth.”

What are you reading, who’s it by and what’s it about?

I’m re-reading Paradise Lost by John Milton. It’s about how very, very naughty mankind is.

Does the blurb end in ellipsis? Does this make you want to find out all the shit that happens?

No ellipsis - how rude, I was expecting a titillating piece of mystique! Still, I am left wanting to find out about all the shit involving “the clash between God and his fallen angel, Satan”, coupled with promises of “profound meditation on fate, free will, and divinity” - who could resist such faecal temptation?

Does the structure more closely resemble Homer’s or Dante’s? You have to pick one, and give several reasons why.

Definitely Dante - y’know, because of all the punishment in hell, allegorical or otherwise. However, I genuinely believe most of the punition in Paradise Lost revolves around psychological incarceration within an enormous and suitably horrific vagina (“dark depths”, anyone?), whereas Dante’s punishment is mostly physical / meted out / actually real, i.e. not a pretend vagina. That’s the difference.

Does it have any sweet plot twists? Does someone turn out to be someone’s father, or that Bruce Willis is actually dead or something?

I was surprised when Satan didn’t win the world and humanity was forgiven for its filthy “amorous play”. Otherwise, however, no; I was most saddened to find no official confirmation of Bruce Willis’ death.

What are you reading, who’s it by and what’s it about?

I’m reading Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. It’s about the Wheelers, an almost middle aged couple living in 1950s suburbia bored of their lives and of each other.

What are you using as a bookmark? Is it pretty?

I have two bookmarks in this book, one is a used envelope and the other is the receipt from when I bought the book. This is my second attempt at reading it. The receipt is a marker of my first failure; I’m a masochist like that.

Is there a black and white picture of the author on the inside cover, resting his chin in one hand with his signature scrawled diagonally across the photo? Knew it.

Well no, there isn’t a picture on the inside of the book. I bet you feel stupid. There is a dedication to a lady named Sheila though. Come to think of it it’s not much of a dedication is it? It’s like: “Here’s a book I wrote about a boring couple and guess what Sheila? You were the inspiration. Congratulations.” Yes, well done Sheila. Poor boring Sheila.

Is it scary? Books generally aren’t scary are they. I don’t think I’ve ever been scared by a book. Apart from Stephen King’s… no wait, his books are just scarily BAD! Can you think of any scary books you’ve read if this one isn’t scary?

Au contraire, this book is terrifying. This book is about a couple living an indistinguishable and non-extraordinary life in suburbia; it’s every modern hipster’s nightmare! It doesn’t even mention hazelnut lattes once. Not kidding. I was also terrified of Roald Dahl’s The Minpins for about fifteen years, mini people living in trees in a monster and smoke infested forest?? No thanks.

What are you reading, who’s it by and what’s it about?

Mrs. Dalloway by DUH, You Should Know That and The Morning After: Sex, Fear, and Feminism by Katie Roiphe. I am smart and reading two books at once. They’re about lady issues ‘cause I’m a lady.

Do you scream with joy as you read this book, or do you wail and gnash your teeth as you flip the pages?

Depends.

Is it pre-modern, post-modern, post-post-modern or past-modern?

What is “genre” really?

Have you spilt tea on it and been pissed off, but then, looking on the bright side, realised that it now looks like a ye olde coole manuscript? Like, you could pretend you were reading the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle or the very first Bible. You could even cover it in dust and blow all the dust off before expressing surprise and poring through the pages. It will also have a super-satisfying crunchy feel –every time you turn the page it’ll be similar to the pleasure of stepping on a crunchy leaf. See, not so bad. In fact, you SHOULD spill tea on it!

Nope, don’t spill stuff. I’m a lady.

What are you reading, who’s it by and what’s it about?

‘The Corrections’ by Jonathan Franzen. It’s about a dysfunctional family failing to come together for one last Christmas before they all drift apart. I’ve been meaning to read it for years but never got around to it.

You must always judge a book by its cover. Does it have a pretty cover?

S’alright. It’s got a boat or something, and it has smoke coming out of it which forms part of the title. I didn’t understand the boat at first but I’ve just read the part of the book that features the boat. I won’t ruin it for you but the same part also involves a talking turd.

Concisely liken three of the characters to those from either Star Wars or Lord of the Rings.

The family’s daughter Denise is Princess Leia, cos they’re both sexy. There’s an anarchist called Billy who’s like Boba Fett i.e. such a bad-ass. Finally the patriarch Alfred is like Ecthelion, cos he’s senile and is a bastard to his sons.

Do the characters ‘come of age’? I hear that’s trendy at the moment.

No, they don’t, they’re all either too old or too young to come of age. But that’s good though, cos I’m 23 and still haven’t come of age.